Humor Funny Quotes: top 100 famous quotes about Humor Funny (2024)

I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing. — Mitch Hedberg

If a woman cannot make her mistakes charming, she is only a female. — Oscar Wilde

White people, you did not get a receipt for nigg*s, you can not return us! — Katt Williams

There was no doubt in my mind that Daemon believed revenge was a dish best served in my face. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

You are not just a funny person or just a journalist. Most people are hybrids of having a smart opinion and a great sense of humor. — Katie Nolan

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but ... what a dork. — Demetri Martin

I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt ... — Dave Barry

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy! — Rodney Dangerfield

Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave. — Jim Butcher

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.' — Bill Bailey

We weren't really friends yet, just knowers of each other's secret stuff. — M. Beth Bloom

Bursting into flame would definitely blow my cover. — Rob Thomas

When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." — Franklyn Ajaye

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years. — Frankie Boyle

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT! — Jeff Foxworthy

This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks. — Noel Fielding

We're like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings. — Aimee Bender

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. — Steven Wright

His eyes are a hazy swirl ofgray, like a thick mass of clouds gathering before an impending storm — Elle Kennedy

First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole. — Chelsea Handler

Giggler, I think I hate you most of all. — Alice Clayton

No means yes in grasshopper language. — Noel Fielding

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time. — Marc Maron

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button. — Tim Vine

-"He loved her ... It was noble of him. It was beautiful."-"It was stupid. — Lloyd Alexander

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." — Tim Vine

Culver is a language magnet school. What it's mainly a magnet for, if you want to know the truth, is nerds. — Dave Barry

The ballgame is over ... in this inning. — Jerry Coleman

Who's stupid now, Jimbo?! — April Henry

Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward.""Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don't throw flowers. — Andrew Barger

I've never been bothered with my conduct. I've only been bothered by people that don't get it correct when they gossip about me. — Shannon L. Alder

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? — Steven Wright

I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared. — Mitt Romney

I hate when I break my own rules. What's the point of me being rational if I flail around like a clown? — Jesse Ball

By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family. — Jeff Foxworthy

Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words? — Martin Freeman

I recommend you don't attend the wheat and chaff bonfire. — M.J. McGuire

Turner was like a pencil. He bent around that pitch! — Jerry Coleman

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!" — Mitch Hedberg

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking." — David Letterman

You might want to put this in the back of your craw and think about it. — Jerry Coleman

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable. — Bo Burnham

Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible! — Lewis Carroll

I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!" — Mitch Hedberg

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades. — Jim Norton

I can't make out what they're saying; it sounds like: hiss, blah, she hiss, squeak. But the aunt appears to speak the native language. — Emma Chase

I do find things funny. When you see life through the eyes of someone with a good sense of humor, which my grandmother did, life is a human comedy. — George Takei

Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned. — Bo Belinsky

If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb. — P. J. O'Rourke

The lot of the brideto be wed before beddesired until rotten.The lot of the authorto be read before bedadmired then forgotten. — Roman Payne

Military Wives - Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

If there is a god maybe it rewards those who don't believe on the basis of insufficient evidenceand punishes those who do. — Peter Boghossian

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy! — Henny Youngman

It's funny how things work out sometimes. — Anthony Horowitz

I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues. — Franklin D. Roosevelt

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!" — Jim Gaffigan

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch. — Frankie Boyle

Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind. — Lois Greiman

The way he's swinging the bat, he won't get a hit until the 20th century. — Jerry Coleman

An empty skull is the vanitas symbol of modern education. — Bauvard

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.It's really funny. — Brandon Sanderson

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire. — Jim Norton

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'! — Mitch Hedberg

I had a dream about you last night. We watched p*rnography together, but purely for the storyline. — Michael Summers

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck. — Jeff Foxworthy

Nothing amuses people more than a co*cky guy who starts losing. — Criss Jami

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". — Tim Vine

If people are talking behind your back, then just fart. — Thabang Gideon Magaola

Otis! Will you PLEASE stop killing me! — Rick Riordan

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel. — Rodney Dangerfield

Blankets make great traps for the clinically insane, but a straightjacket might work better. — Nicole McKay

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard." — Frank Carson

I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

It's off the leg and into the left field of Doug Rader. — Jerry Coleman

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready. — George Lopez

They say laughter is the best medicine, and I agree. Plus, it's free, has no bad side effects and is available to EVERYONE. — Mindy Levy

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? — Steven Wright

I was once arrested for resisting arrest. — Steven Wright

Chomsky is a pencil-and-paper theoretician who wouldn't know Jabba the Hutt from the Cookie Monster, — Steven Pinker

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself. — Mark Twain

Even though I dislike being kicked by others, I do enjoy the feeling of kicking others — Yana Toboso

There exists a microscopic breed of brain beetle, commonly known as an 'idea'. An idea desires only one thing: To catch the perfect brain wave. — Leah Broadby

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'. — Bill Maher

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big. — Mitch Hedberg

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!" — Henny Youngman

She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes. — Adam Carolla

Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie. — Michelle Hodkin

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time? — Henny Youngman

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator — Josh Stern

What did you want me to do? Ask him for money? — Mariana Zapata

You catch more flies with honey, ever heard of that?" He shrugged. "I don't like flies. They're annoying." He grinned "I'd rather catch hell. — Heather Hildenbrand

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people. — F Scott Fitzgerald

Faith is Hope on a treadmill. Love is the reason we stay on. — Solange Nicole

Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another. — Elizabeth Eulberg

Forever is a very long time, especially the bit towards the end. — Janna Levin

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy. — Johnny Carson

A brick can be used to represent the zero probability of this book being any good. — Amy Summers

Body language translation: hell yes, dipsh*t — Shay Rucker

Like the NRA says, it's better to have a machine gun and not need it than to need a machine gun and not have it. — John Sandford